Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble controlling my emotions.
That's not exactly an accurate way of putting it. Let's see if I can do better.
For so many years when I was growing up, I was a master of hiding what I felt. It helped that I was shy, and afraid of people. So many times, a conflict would go unresolved; so many times, my true thoughts on one situation or another were left unsaid. So many times, I didn't get the closure that would have given me peace of mind. I took these things and instead of expressing them, I pushed them down, locked them away in a chest in my mind, ignoring the rattle of them fighting to be free.
And every time, I silently hoped that someone would see right through me, would ask the exact question, prompting me to share what I was holding back. I would wish for such a person, for that excuse to share what was in my heart- but I almost never got that.
It turns out that, if you're actually good at hiding something, it stays hidden - especially if no one is looking for it.
Now, probably because I did that for so long, I have no patience for it. No longer am I able to hide everything I'm feeling. Unsaid words, unexpressed feelings and thought processes fill me up, becoming a maelstrom of self suppression in my head. The pressure of it, the sheer noise it causes, builds and builds until I find myself unable to think, unable to focus, growing increasingly agitated and erratic. Finally, inevitably, I reach a point where I cannot hold it in anymore, where it becomes too much and I can no longer stand it.
And then I blow. I doggedly pursue whatever was left unfinished, fiercely determined to fix the problem. By then, though, any hope I had of approaching the issue and dealing with it in a calm, rational manner has dissolved. Not surprisingly, my efforts are very rarely successful in those cases.
I've grown to recognize this pattern, and try my hardest to resolve whatever is eating at me before I reach that point. It's harder than it may seem, and takes a lot of practice. Just recently I got pretty close to my boiling point before I was able to do what I needed to do. Too close for comfort.
But that's what unfinished business does to me, now. It drives me bonkers. I wonder what the tipping point was, that toppled me into this. The world may never know.
