Thursday, January 24, 2013

Passing Fancies

As I sit here, fingers tapping away at my keyboard in the quiet late night, my mind is on so many things.

I am thinking about love, about friendship, about the past, present, and the future.
I am thinking about second chances and fresh starts and new beginnings, about holding on and letting go. Familiar, versus new. 
I am pondering the term 'getting to know', and how hard it really is to do.
I am thinking about school, about acting, about shows, about stories, about how I wish that $400 - no, $500+ dollars would just drop out of the sky without complication, so I can get that tablet I desperately want before the semester starts.

I am thinking about the thrill of passion, the sweetness of hope, the excitement of discovery. 
I am thinking of the warmth of familiarity, and the comfort which comes with time.

I am thinking that, though I am an open book, it has become so very hard to communicate what is on my mind, to ask the questions I want to ask.
I am thinking that I know why it is suddenly so hard.

I am thinking about the difference between the clarity with which I saw people then, and the uncertain haze through which I see them now.
I am thinking, I so wish I knew what was happening.

I am thinking how funny it is that I've convinced myself I am shocking and upfront, when I am scared to be the first to jump in.
I am thinking that it doesn't matter what the answer is- truly, in a way it doesn't, although that makes it seem as if I couldn't care one way or the other, though I do.

In this world where things can go so fast, and so frighteningly slow, in this world of instant gratification and waiting, where all manner of things can change in the blink of an eye or last, inexplicably, through a lifetime - where you can skip ahead but fall behind in ways you've never imagined..

I am thinking: In this world, this changeable world, how is anyone supposed to know, with any certainty, what it is that they want?

After wishing that someone would take the first step, would you run when they came towards you?
After wishing for a second chance, would you regret moving the wrong direction?
After wanting, for so long, to be the person someone else sees...Would you feel compelled to hide?

And would any of those feelings encompass your whole heart?

Or would they simply, sometimes comfortingly, be just- passing fancies?

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Hey, thanks for this! It probably kind of made my day. If this is a question, I'll most likely get back to you in a day or two. Cheers!